identity

Despite my seemingly extroverted personality, I don't usually openly share my feelings and thoughts with others.
I love to spend time and talk to people but I've always tried to maintain my boundaries in relationships.

I feared that if I opened up too much, I'd be hurt.

Seeing rumours easily destroying one person, I wanted to keep all my worries and concerns to myself. Even when these struggles started to become deep scars, I refused to seek help from people that were not my family.

"What if they judge me?"
"What if my secrets are not protected?"

These questions lingered and still linger with me as I approach others.
My actions become bigger and my voice becomes louder. I act silly and make jokes.
Not because that's who I am, but because I maybe uncomfortable. Trying to be the person whom my true self cam hide behind.

I guess loving myself for who I am is one of the toughest things to do.
I don't think I was able to fully accept me.
I constantly try to change myself to be satisfied by everyone, leading me to be overtly sensitive to criticisms.
Because I've always tried to change, I sometimes ask... "who am i?"
I don't want to be the puppet of the world, enacting their imposed value on me.
I want God to be the moulder of my personality, not the worldly views. However, my sensitivity sometimes seem to make me too weak.

After talking to few friends and getting the feedbacks from my management team about what type of leader I am, I thought about who I am even more.

People always try to figure me out.
Their conclusions, however, are never consistent.
Neither can I make a conclusion for myself.

Talking to the two upperclassmen yesterday was a valuable time.
It is such a great support for me that I am able to open up a bit without being judged and I can receive such great advices from them that can help me shape another part of me.
I am naive but I am not ashamed of my naivete. I simply means I can learn better and faster.
I pray that the community at Penn's going to strengthen me within my true identity.

The surprising thing is to see so many people trying to share their problems with me.
It maybe my empathetic nature and my ability to remain confidential but I always feel "how can I give advice, when I myself has not figured out who I am first?"
However, God knows this more than I do, and he uses my flaws for his glory.
I am so thankful that God is able to use such a inadequate person like me for his ministry.

My constant identity struggle seemed to have made an end this morning when I called my mother.

me: mom did you know that I am so different in groups than I am with few people?
mom: of course!
me: is this an aspect of mine that I should change?
mom: no. that's who you are. right now, that's the part of you that we miss you the most for too.
me: really?
mom: just love you for the way you are. you don't need to change at all.


Maybe, I don't need to change.
Maybe, I CAN be accepted for who I am.
Maybe, I don't have to please everybody.
God I pray that you mould me and that I don't mould myself.

My first blog entry

I am in love with GCC!

This is the first thing I said, when I called my dad yesterday after the mini o's.

Coming from a church community where there were not many youths, I've always been loved but I did not have a community with young people that I can share my faith with. Maybe it was because of this that sometimes I felt I did not belong or I just was a bit...different. I didn't seem to share a lot of values that my friends held for their lives and I was constantly conflicted with the question: "So which one is right?"

It wasn't that I wanted to challenge my beliefs and explore their beliefs but it was hard for me because I couldn't share what I believed in as the truth. The Gospel.

After I met Christ in a personal and a more profound way this year, I continuously prayed to have a strong Christian community that I can belong to. Today, I realized that I got the answers to my prayer.

Every time I meet these people, I am just constantly blessed. I constantly smile and laugh because I am so happy. Praise the Lord for leading me to such an amazing community he has prepared for me.

Last week, I suddenly became very stressed over the academics because my ambition took over. I knew that I had to put everything into God's hands, but I felt like I also shared a major responsibility for the result. Even though I didn't have much work, I wanted to produce the best result in everything that I had. After the Sunday service of last week, I started to pray because I did not want my ambition to steal God's glory. My effort and my result would be useless if they are not used for God's grand plan. I prayed for him to help me relieve my anxiousness and give peace in my heart. While I was crying and praying, Christine and another person began to pray for me as well. It was then I heard "Still by Hillsong". This completely broke me down. This worship song was the song that broke me down when I could not do anything by myself in my junior year. He did everything for me even though I couldn't and this time also, I have faith in him that he is going to guide every part of my life.

What a joy it is that he is stepping into even tiniest part of my life. He is indeed an alive God and I feel it everyday.
Tonight, I am going to thank him for everything!
Lord, thank you for making me a humble servant of yours.
Thank you for you in my life.
Thank you for my family.
Thank you for GCC, Call of Duty, FM, my group of friends, and KOSTA team members.
Thank you.
I love you.