identity

Despite my seemingly extroverted personality, I don't usually openly share my feelings and thoughts with others.
I love to spend time and talk to people but I've always tried to maintain my boundaries in relationships.

I feared that if I opened up too much, I'd be hurt.

Seeing rumours easily destroying one person, I wanted to keep all my worries and concerns to myself. Even when these struggles started to become deep scars, I refused to seek help from people that were not my family.

"What if they judge me?"
"What if my secrets are not protected?"

These questions lingered and still linger with me as I approach others.
My actions become bigger and my voice becomes louder. I act silly and make jokes.
Not because that's who I am, but because I maybe uncomfortable. Trying to be the person whom my true self cam hide behind.

I guess loving myself for who I am is one of the toughest things to do.
I don't think I was able to fully accept me.
I constantly try to change myself to be satisfied by everyone, leading me to be overtly sensitive to criticisms.
Because I've always tried to change, I sometimes ask... "who am i?"
I don't want to be the puppet of the world, enacting their imposed value on me.
I want God to be the moulder of my personality, not the worldly views. However, my sensitivity sometimes seem to make me too weak.

After talking to few friends and getting the feedbacks from my management team about what type of leader I am, I thought about who I am even more.

People always try to figure me out.
Their conclusions, however, are never consistent.
Neither can I make a conclusion for myself.

Talking to the two upperclassmen yesterday was a valuable time.
It is such a great support for me that I am able to open up a bit without being judged and I can receive such great advices from them that can help me shape another part of me.
I am naive but I am not ashamed of my naivete. I simply means I can learn better and faster.
I pray that the community at Penn's going to strengthen me within my true identity.

The surprising thing is to see so many people trying to share their problems with me.
It maybe my empathetic nature and my ability to remain confidential but I always feel "how can I give advice, when I myself has not figured out who I am first?"
However, God knows this more than I do, and he uses my flaws for his glory.
I am so thankful that God is able to use such a inadequate person like me for his ministry.

My constant identity struggle seemed to have made an end this morning when I called my mother.

me: mom did you know that I am so different in groups than I am with few people?
mom: of course!
me: is this an aspect of mine that I should change?
mom: no. that's who you are. right now, that's the part of you that we miss you the most for too.
me: really?
mom: just love you for the way you are. you don't need to change at all.


Maybe, I don't need to change.
Maybe, I CAN be accepted for who I am.
Maybe, I don't have to please everybody.
God I pray that you mould me and that I don't mould myself.